Journey of the Heart ~♥~

Have you ever felt like something is missing? You are saved and yet you don't feel whole? Maybe you no longer feel the joy and victory that was once prominent in your life. I have been feeling like that lately. This has been a very difficult season for me. I have been trying to write for days. I have several topics started and never got the freedom to finish.

I have prayed...read scripture...cried out to the Lord...seeked His Face...still it alluded me. Little by little the Lord has been guiding me... leading me. First I changed the name of the blog to "Journey of the Heart." I began thinking it would just be a compliment to "HeartCry"...then realized no...it is a journey of the heart.

I needed to go back to where my journey detoured and allow the Holy Spirit to clean and restore my heart. Years ago the Lord gave me a teaching on the heart that I shared with a group of ladies I was teaching. I have an outline and notes, but I never completed the teaching. The enemy attacked. My husband left me and I have spent years in a whirlwind on a detoured journey.

As I was going through the notes my eyes open to how it all fits together. I kept seeing "feed my sheep." Then when I went back later and looked at my notes I realized it wasn't written anywhere. The Lord wanted to bring to my attention a message he had given me years ago...

I believe I was feeling the emptiness and lack of love in my marriage...so in my hurt and pain I called out to Jesus..."Do you love me?" Father..."Do you love me?" Then the Lord spoke to my spirit, "Brenda, Do you love me? Feed my sheep." I wanted comforting and he called me to service.

He knew being focused on myself was never going to fill the emptiness and give me the love I desired. He knew as we share God's love it returns back and we learn to love God even more. So, here I am...finally surrendered to the call...finally surrendered to to the journey of healing my heart and sharing the lessons I have learned along the way.

I would love to have you follow along as I begin the "Journey of my Heart."

What do you see when you look in the mirror? Do you see yourself through God's eyes or through the eyes of the world?  Do you see only your imperfections and pain? When people laugh at you, do you allow their opinions to color your self worth? Have you become hard and bitter? If you feel beaten down by the world, remember...in God’s eyes, there is no judgment, there is only acceptance. In God’s eyes, there is no pain too hard to bear nor weakness that can't be overcome.

I know what it is like to be laughed at. I have been sick all my life. One doctor actually said "when God put you together He didn't do a very good job." I wasn't physically, mentally, or psychologically good at sports, so I was always chosen last. I never understand the concept of taunting so I took all the remarks personally which made it even more difficult to relate. I was extremely thin 5' 6" and 98 lbs. Some how people seem to think it is not rude to make fun of you if you are thin. I didn't develop until I was 17 and in college. Horrifying when you are surrounded by voluminous friends.

I have severe digestive problems which makes me very smelly. My stomach is more like a colon. It is long with a pace maker at each end. So when I eat food it just shoots it into my colon without proper digest. Plus I have Celiac disease and lactose intolerance. All these make tremendous amounts of gas. Funny with friends who love you...not so funny when you are a kid and have no understanding of what is going on...or in church with people who are suppose to be "loving." I have had the most awful things said to me in church.

After my husband left me I was devastated. I was so sick I had blood just pouring out of me. I went to church anyway thinking the fellowship would do me good. A guy near me said " my God no wonder her husband left her." I just wanted to crawl in a hole and die. Interestingly my friend who was sitting right next to me never smelled a thing. Somehow people who love me say they never smell anything. Maybe I am just reacting more to the people who have hateful spirits. My Pastor at the time said this man's smelly spirit was much worse than my smelly body. Anyway, after so many similar experience, I don't attend church anymore. Thankfully, I have a church that has online services.

I know I am not alone. Very few people have escaped the ridicule of others. We all have to face our own imperfections. When you are overwhelmed by the person you see in the mirror, see yourself through God's eyes. In God's eyes we are all the same. God sees you. God cherishes you. God loves you. God sees our light when all we see is darkness. God sees all our potentials. God sees this person who falls, but gives us the power to get up again and again. God sees our pain, but gives us the power to become a person who gets hurt, but does not become hard or bitter; only softer, more loving, more forgiving, more resilient to change.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39


Don't Laugh At Me by Mark Wills

I'm a little boy with glasses, the one they call a geek
a little girl who never smiles cuz I got braces on my teeth
and I know how it feels to cry myself to sleep
I'm that kid on every playground who is always chosen last
I’m the one who is slower than the others in my class
You don't have to be my friend but is it too much to ask
Don't laugh at me, don't call me names
Don't get your pleasure from my pain
In God's eyes we're all the same
some day we'll all have perfect Wings
Don't laugh at me
I'm the beggar on the corner
You pass me on the street
I wouldn't be out here begging if I had enough to eat
and don't think I don't notice that our eyes never meet
I was born a little different
I do my dreaming from this chair
I pretend it doesn’t hurt me when people point and stare
There’s a simple way to show me just how much you care
Don't laugh at me, Don't call me names
Don't get your pleasure from my pain
In God's eyes we're all the same
Someday we'll all have perfect wings
Don't laugh at me
I'm Fat, I'm thin, I'm Short, I'm tall, I'm deaf, I'm blind
Hey aren't we all
Don't laugh at me, Don't call me names
Don't get your pleasure from my pain
In God's eyes we're all the same
Someday we'll all have perfect wings
Don't laugh at me

Have you ever felt like you just didn't fit in? Is this all there is? Why am I here, and for what reason? Have you ever wondered why my life seems to just be drifting along without any apparent plan. Does God really care? Does He really know what I am going through? There are times I wonder...there are times I feel like I am just waiting to die.

I believe most of us have experienced some of these at one time or another. Whether it's due to the stress of our fast paced society, sickness or some other form of ordeal, we need to keep this in mind...the devil always wants to get us into the place of despair. Feeling as if there is no hope and that we are the only one that is experiencing this type of anguish.

If you are a born again Christian, then what you are going through may be a partial truth, but it's not the total truth. You may be experiencing great financial trouble, but the Word of God says that He takes pleasure in the prosperity of His servant! Sickness and disease may be ravaging your body, but the Word of God says that by His stripes you were healed!

The Word of God tells us that we have been given favor from the Lord, it's our inheritance as child of God. You may not be experiencing it at this very moment, but you can if you will focus on the total truth and begin to expect favor instead of lack and trouble.

"But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you. Surely, LORD, you bless the righteous; you surround them with your favor as with a shield." (Psalm 5:11-12)

Remember this truth... If things can go wrong, they can just as easily go right! Each of us has been given a unique and individual purpose that cannot fail if we will cast off fear and stop listening to the lies of the devil. So, shake off that feeling of dread and despair. Get back into fellowship with the Father and put on the garment of praise, because you are fearfully and wonderfully made.

"I will praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are your works, and my soul knows very well." Psalm 139:14

When we struggle with pain and suffering it is difficult to believe we are fearfully and wonderfully made, but trust that God had a plan in mind when he formed you. Sometimes I think about what I could accomplish if I had a healthy body and mind. Thinking I might better serve the Lord if I had better abilities.

I would be able to do more, go more, be more; but I suspect it might not be more of what God had planned for me. I suspect God knows that I would be so caught up in my own agenda I would loose site of His perfect will. If I wasn’t forced to be still I wouldn’t be able to hear His voice as clearly.

So, I will rejoice that God has a plan for me, just as I am, and that I am fearfully and wonderfully made...made for this life I am living.

Earma Brown asked me to review her book "WOW! Women of Worth." The first thing I noticed was how similar it was to my writings. I began to wonder was she reading my blog...then I realized...it is the same Spirit! Her book is about giving women the tools to become extraordinary. This is what God is trying to get out to His Children, especially women, who have struggled with being significant. The enemy is always trying to get us to believe we are insignificant.

Her book is filled with passages of encouragement and wisdom. She shares insights learned in her journey to become extraordinary and battles she has fought along the way. In a dream, she was fighting the enemy with sticks and ineffective tools. In it she would be beat-up and wounded by snakes, the enemy, attacking her. Then the Holy Spirit spoke to her about the weapons of warfare in Ephesians six and she was able to quench the fiery darts thrown at her and rip the enemy's head off.

I also had a similar dream I wrote about in The Battle. I believe it is a common tactic of the enemy to tempt us into a battle unprepared. He knows when we truly know who we are in Christ and know how to use the weapons God has given us for warfare his defeat is immanent. His only chance is to defeat us while we are weak and unprotected and lack the tools to fight. I recommend her "Women of Worth Series" for anyone looking to become extraordinary using ordinary tools.

I thought that I was ready,
I went marching off to war.

To challenge the mighty serpent,
It was time to even the score.

I thought that I could conquer,
the might of the evil one.

But, my power wasn't strong enough,
I called out for the CHOSEN one.

Then I heard the trumpets calling,
The KING of kings is here.

His left hand held a scepter, the right a mighty sword.
He came in all his glory, to take away my fear.

He said "it's time for battle,"
Your strength is in the sword.

Just ask and you'll receive it,
Put on the whole armor of the Lord.

For those with ears to hear Him,
Let them call upon His name.

He'll give you strength and power,
And take away your fear and shame.

Are you ready for the battle,
To go marching off to war?

We'll challenge the mighty serpent,
With the power to even the score.

~Bren "Ready for Battle"

This poem was based on my experience of being attacked by the enemy. In a vision, I was battling the serpent and all I had was the sword. The serpent just kept getting bigger and bigger and I was standing there unprotected holding him off with my sword knowing my defeat was eminent, humbly, I called out for the Lord.

I saw Jesus coming down from heaven sitting on His throne and dressed in royal garb. He took his sword and anointed me with armor and said now go and fight...it's time for battle. I immediately turned and was able to slice the serpent into pieces. Then He gave me a word for the church and told me to go write "The Calling of the Church" and warn them about the serpent.

The Calling of the Church
~by bren

Beware the mighty serpent,
The darkness without the night.
He comes to deceive the righteous,
And hides them from the light.

Beware the might serpent,
The enemy from within.
He seeks to devour and torture,
And hide us from our sin.

Beware, the mighty serpent,
Disguised as an angel of light.
He strikes those unprotected.
Without the Lord’s strength and might.

Beware, the mighty serpent,
Disguised as the giver of life.
He works to deceive the body,
With unjust accusations and strife.

Beware, the mighty serpent,
His hour is yet to come.
We know not how much time we have,
To prepare for the Chosen one.

We need to prepare. Without God's armor on "the serpent" is going to have you for lunch. It would be nice if Jesus would come down and tap us all and poof we had armor. I know some people will repeatedly quote Ephesians 6:13, but it's not the words, it's the actions. God gave me that vision so I would understand His word is to be applied...that means we have to take action...that it is our responsibility to put the armor on.

We are in the battle and we need to have the Lord's protection and be prepared.